Fun fact: I didn’t go to culinary school. In fact, my first major was something altogether far more practical- the theatre. And I didn’t just go to any rinky dink crapshow of a theatre school either! No, I attended the prestigious Conservatory of the Arts at Boston University. And after giving them tens of thousands of dollars to further my abilities as a storyteller, I decided that I needed a more stable career and eventually ended up in the food business. Because if there’s one thing money can’t buy you, it’s a degree in solid decision making.
After spending years living on it, I haven’t been on the stage in over 12 years. But tonight at 8pm I make my triumphant return! And only one project could be important enough to coax me out of self-imposed retirement…….
A live reading of the original Michael Bay script for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie!
I know almost nothing about the script, because even though it was sent to me last week to begin preparing my role, I totally spazzed on reading it and figured I’d just wing it (just like the actors in real Michael Bay movies do! BOOM! THAT JUST HAPPENED!). What makes this script notable is not only does it involve turtles who happen to be ninjas, but the original draft was so bad that it was scrapped and the movie had to be pushed back.
Read that again: this script was actually too bad to be made into a Michael Bay movie.
Tidbits I’ve gathered from the internet:
“The film’s villain is named Colonel Schrader, and he’s the head of a secret military operation backed by an army nicknamed “the Foot.” Casey Jones is apparently the main protagonist. He and and April O’Neil are 18-year-olds, dating and in high school. Casey spends his time as a security guard at a furniture factory (he’s also an amateur hockey player). April is getting ready to move to New York for an internship at CBS, where she will meet the turtles who are indeed from outer space. Specifically, Dimension X. The Turtles make Kung Fu Panda jokes and wear color coded masks because, as the script states, it was cool in Reservoir Dogs.”
I can only gather that last bit was written to ensure some sort of Buscemi /ConAir/Armageddon crossover situation.
What separates the great actors from ones who didn’t spend a small fortune on acting classes is research, research, research. Now I will pull back the proverbial curtain and bring you all face to face with the very soul of an actor!
I will be playing Shredder…..ahem, Colonel Schrader. And I would be remiss to be playing a Colonel without taking the chance to hat tip to the greatest Colonel of all time. Which is why, much like Captain Jack Sparrow was a spiritual cousin to Keith Richards, my Colonel Schrader will be a spiritual cousin of:
In the three paragraphs I read, I learned that the center of Colonel Schrader’s evil activities is an area that’s dark and industrial, so inconspicuous, and so just goshdarn evil that no one notices thousands of masked foot shoulders trafficking in giant containers of contraband weapons and convention produce in the middle of the night: The Brooklyn Navy Yard. Twenty five seconds of Googling taught me that the Navy Yard is filled with such ruffians as scenery designers, a “knitting mill” (sounds dubious), a bunch of hippie artists working out their feelings, more than several “construction companies” (we all know what “construction company” is code for), an artisinal spirits company, and a company specializing in “leather goods and accessories”. Meaning my colonel will be a dandy of a man with powerful ties across the velvet mafia, fabulous accessories, and a thirst for cocktails infused with locally-sourced wood smoke.
THAT is what a professional looks like. And you can come experience the magic too at 8pm tonight at Union Hall in Brooklyn. Check out the Facebook listing for more information. I have no idea who the hell else is in this, but they were also probably randomly asked by my friend who recently quit his job to pursue his dreams of becoming a sideshow freak, so I’m sure they’re cool.
Now, this week’s cupcakes! We’ve got to Spring/Summer flavors that came back- the McFadden, and Horchata! YAY!h
McFadden: Victorian lemonade cake made with Pimm’s, lemon ginger buttercream, candied lemon zest
The Siobhan: Chocolate cake, bourbon butterscotch buttercream, chocolate chips
Horchata: Horchata cake, pudding and buttercream, cinnamon sugar rice crisp
Kahlua Banana: Chocolate banana cake, kahlua coffee buttercream, kahlua chocolate sauce