We thought by pulling out of holiday markets this year, we’d have lots of time to spend with our children. As always- WRONG.
On Monday we played hooky so we could finally do the one thing that’s been on my “must do” list for 6 years and has never happened- take the boys to Macy’s on 34th Street to see Santa. It was, like everything I look forward to, a total disaster. The store was hot as hell, so I had to hold everyone’s bulky winter coats, and the bags, and my purse, and the boys coloring books like a frikkin sherpa. The hour plus we spent on line was NOT spent playing games or enjoying Santaland with our children, but instead spent completely ignoring them with both of us glued to our iPhones as there was a gigantic problem with a big delivery (reminder to everyone dreaming of owning a small business- you are NEVER “off”. We’ve taken calls from clients while on vacation, at weddings, at my grandmother’s funeral….and now at Santaland!). The Santa we got to see ended up scowling in the picture we spent a small fortune for. And there were tourists EVERYWHERE! Really- someone needs to give out instructions at the airport to these people, explaining to them that the rules of the road in the rest of the world are the same as the rules of WALKING in NYC: you need to look at something, pull over to the right. Stop short in the middle of a walkway to look at something, someone WILL run straight into you and then curse you out.
I did manage to get off my phone long enough to get this blurry picture of a tree staring at me. So, you know, that was worth it I guess.
THEN I got into a fight with an Elvis impersonator on 34th Street over the fact that he’s NEVER seen, much less heard of, Full House! And then get this crap- he tells me “I grew up in San Francisco- they didn’t air it there”. !!!!!! Are you freaking KIDDING me fake Elvis?!?!!
Uncle Jesse keeps saying “Settle down, pretty mama”, but I CAN’T. I sort of feel like Christmas is really trying to kill me.
I give up on trying to get the family to Rockefeller center or Saks, give up on having the New York Christmas experience that I had every year of my life before I had kids, and just get the boys back on the train back home.
So there we are on a packed N train, surrounded by businessmen. And my little Toby Bear (age 4), who loves the subway more than any kid on earth, won’t shut up (like his mom). He’s talking to ALL OF THEM. “Do you know we live on the R train? My name is Toby though, and I wish we lived on the T train. They’re building a T train that’s new! I can’t wait to ride it! No one in my family is an R. Well, we had a cat named Robbie, but he died. I’m not allowed to talk about him though, because every time I do, mommy cries a lot. So don’t say ‘Robbie’ to my mommy, ok?”.
I know every parent says this, but Toby is one of those kids that seriously, almost unnaturally adorable, and without question the most charming kid I’ve ever met. Everyone is smiling at him.
Then he looks at a businessman standing near the door, a tall slender man with thick glasses, nice black suit, completely bald. And Toby says to him “I’m going to Brooklyn! Where are you going- to go buy some hair?”
Oh God, no.
"Everyone, look! That guy lost his hair! Maybe he dropped it!"
Matt avoids the guys gaze, starts shushing Toby the best he can. “Toby- STOP. That’s not nice. Let’s talk about Santa”
Does this stop him? OF COURSE NOT!!!!
"I have lots of hair! You need to go to the hair store and get some. Or maybe you need to get off the train, and get on a train going back to your office. Maybe your hair is still there and you left it on your desk! You need to go back and look for it!".
In the event that man reads this site- sir, I am SO SORRY. I know you were laughing, even though I couldn’t make eye contact with you. But really- so so so so so so sorry.
And Toby, thank you for once again doing something ridiculous and saving Christmas from being a total painful crapshow for the 5th year in a row. I may not get to see the windows at Bergdorf’s or the Nutcracker anymore, or be able to go Christmas shopping without wanting to throw myself through a plate glass window, or make it to December 25th without having at least one small nervous breakdown. Yet somehow, Christmas is better now than it has ever been before. Because with you and your brother, EVERYTHING is better.
Hope all of you have managed to find some little moments that have made the holidays less insane for you. Maybe you could have a moment with one of these cupcakes? Maybe a Robicelli’s brownie or a cup of our hot cocoa? That sounds pretty nice, doesn’t it?
Photograph property of Instagram.
From front: Creme Brulee, Hot Toddy, Chocolate Orange, The Hansel
The Hansel: Gingerbread cake, white chocolate pudding, speculoos buttercream, white chocolate dipped gingerbread cookie
Hot Toddy: Honey whiskey soaked cake, honey cinnamon buttercream, candied lemon peel
Creme Brulee: Vanilla cake, custard buttercream, caramelized sugar