Today, I bought Pajama Jeans.
Go ahead and laugh. I’ve seen the commercial for them about a billion times, and though I was insanely curious, I couldn’t bring myself to order them. Funny thing about women- we’ll wear shoes that contort our feet into unnatural shapes, lifting us 6” into the air and creating the illusion of pointy elf feet, which after years and years leads to chronic pain and permanent disfigurement. We’ll wear pants so tight that if we stand at the wrong angle, we’ll leave nothing to the imagination. We squeeze ourselves into all sorts of “shapewear” that’s so constricting that we can’t eat or have problems breathing. This is all totally normal, and not only that, admirable. But a pair of “pajama jeans”?!?!?! EEEWWWW!!! How lazy can you get, America?!?!
I don’t know why we weren’t born with feet this shape. I can certainly envision the cavemen outrunning vicious bears in a pair of these.
This afternoon, as I was picking up a prescription at Walgreen’s, I saw them in a box in the “As Seen On TV” section and had to touch them. As wonderful as they felt, I still couldn’t commit to buying them, so I just held them and walked around the store for a bit. Then when I was paying for Toby’s medicine, the cashier just grabbed them and rung them up. I wasn’t going to stop him and say “Oh no- I have too much pride to be buying a boxed pair of pants from a pharmacy! I was just carrying them around the store for no good reason except for the fact that I’m a woman and I’m crazy, and if you were one of us that statement would totally have made sense to you!”.
Don’t pretend you haven’t walked around a store with something you’ve secretly wanted before, just to put it back before you checked out. We’ve all done it. And I suppose it was divine intervention that forced me to buy these pants because OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE.
I owned it. I went on Twitter and said I bought Pajama Jeans. I’m writing a book, and I think that Pajama Jeans by nature are perfect book-writing attire. They fit better than normal jeans, two guys checked our my ass today, and since I’ve put them on, my writers block has been lifted and I banged out a whole new section of the first draft of the book. I may only wear boxed pharmacy pants for the rest of my life.
But if you guys see me wearing mom-pants or holiday-themed sweater vests, you have total permission to punch me in the face as hard as you possibly can.
Another nice thing about these pants? You can eat as many cupcakes as you’d like without it getting uncomfortable. It’s things like this that make America great.
Clockwise from front: Chai Latte, Brandy Alexander, L’Shanah Tovah, Chocolate Pumpkin Cheesecake
Last Appearance Until Next September!
L’Shanah Tovah: Apple cake, honey vanilla buttercream, roasted apple, honey drizzle
Returning from the vault after two years!
Chai Latte: Chai spiced cake, mascarpone buttercream, toasted chai spices
Brandy Alexander: Chocolate brandy cake, brandy buttercream, chocolate dipped brandy snap cookie
Chocolate Pumpkin Cheesecake: Pumpkin cake, cheesecake buttercream, chocolate fudge
Robicelli’s at DeKalb Market: Corner of Flatbush & Willoughby, Downtown Brooklyn
Robicelli’s at Madison Square Eats: Corner of 25th Street & 5th Avenue, Flatiron District
Cafe at Sam’s Bakery: 94th Street off Third Avenue, Bay Ridge
Aloha Grinds: 76th and Third Ave, Bay Ridge
Bagel Schmagel: 76th and Third Ave, Bay Ridge
Crespella: 7th Ave off 9th Street, Park Slope
Blue Apron Foods: Union Street off 7th Avenue, Park Slope
Court Street Grocers: Court Street off Luquer, Carroll Gardens
Flying Saucer Cafe: Atlantic Avenue btwn 3rd Ave & Nevins Street, Boerum Hill
Eastern District: Manhattan Ave off Eagle Street, Greenpoint
Brooklyn Standard: Nassau & Jewel, Greenpoint
Cake Shop: Ludlow St btwn Standon & Rivington, LES
Battery Place Market: 77 Battery Place, Battery Park City
Joe Columbia University: West 120th btwn Broadway & Amsterdam, Morningside Heights
Queen City Cupcakes: 62 West Main Street, Patchogue, Long Island
Red Hook Lobster Pound: Van Brunt Street, Red Hook; Brooklyn Flea; Smorgasburg; Roving Food Truck (Whoopie Pies Only)